I Will Run

I am, quite possibly, one of the worst bloggers ever.

I thought I would write more than I have but a big thing called "life" has gotten in the way. Work has been hectic between new fall clothes coming in (I work in the retail world) and tax free weekend, to preparing for a big visit this week. Dogs have taken the front seat of my free time with going to the dog park downtown, when it isn't raining, that is. And now, some sort of illness has taken a hold of me for a better part of the last week.


Training for Chicago, which is now less than a month away (cue panic attack), hasn't been my biggest focus. It makes me sad. In late April, I told wrote out my complete, and very detailed, running plan for each week. I was super excited to get back into the swing of things! Recovering from plantar fasciitis knocked me out for the first month. Then it was the fear of loading the mileage on too soon. Put that on top of not wanting to run in the South Carolina heat and being too stubborn to jump on the treadmill (I refuse to call it the "dreadmill.") Not to mention, being completely exhausted from work made it unusually hard to muster up the energy to run.

Realizing that the date was approaching and the anxiety was building, I glanced back at my running log from this time last year (I was training for my first half that was at the end of October.) I was running around 4 times a week consistently, while traveling! How could I be so much more lazy this time around? It's freakin' Chicago! I get it, "my first half marathon" has rubbed off. But this is Chicago we're talking about here! I went through a lot more heartache last year while training than I have this year. Work was twice as hard for me last year than it has been this year. I had runner's knee AND shins splints last year, and I've been nearly clear of plantar fasciitis for a couple of months now.

What's my excuse?? I have no idea, and it irks me. My last half marathon was a flop (thanks feet) and I was really hoping to PR Chicago. The fear that I've already hit my peak has entered my mind now and then. For those who don't know me, I'm extremely competitive when it comes to sports. So to think that I can't do better, is frustrating.

Then I started to think, I haven't really thought of who, or what, I am running for. My first half, I dedicated it to my grandfather (the amazing one that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago) who had passed during my training. My second half, I decided at mile 10, that I wanted to run it for my six-year old niece, who I stopped to hug at mile 10, when I was about to throw the towel in and quit. So who will I run for? A sweet, calm voice keeps answering my question, "Run it for you." Um, isn't that selfish? "Oh I run for myself, because I'm awesome haha." Yeah, no. But the voice keeps repeating itself, over and over again.

I was reminded of the journey I've been through. I usually tell everyone that I run because I have a willing body that allows me to go several miles at one time, so why not run? This amazing body that God specifically gave me has been through more than that though. It's been through ridicule for the last so many years. Not ridicule of others but the ridicule I have put it through. I'm a perfectionist, so I'm extremely hard on myself in almost every aspect. My body has never been an exception. Like most girls, I've struggled with body image since I was younger. From there, I've done many things to look a certain way. I've still never been completely okay with how I have looked. But I want to break the habit.

I can't get those years back. But what I can do is give my body the best years ahead. I can apologize and forgive myself for the hell (it's actually the perfect word to describe it) I've put myself through to look "ideal." I can thank it for not giving up on me, unlike some who don't make it through this "curse." And I can thank it for forgiving me.

So starting now, I will run and I will run my best in Chicago. I will run it for myself and I will run it because I know my body can do it. It's not selfish. It's what is right. I don't like giving up on people, so I have no excuse to give up on myself. Let's do this Chicago!

Chicago Countdown: 27 days

Edited note: I would like to apologize for making it come across as though my mother was the cause of of certain things. That is so far from the truth. She has shown me nothing but love and support for the past 24 years.